Atalaya stretched her hands on the small of her back as she stretched once again to work the kinks out of her back from her period of trancing. Searching the open decks for Cirilli and the prisoners that they had freed from the Tamarind she saw that they were all asleep at the moment. Atalaya’s heart was still broken in two each time she looked at the people sleeping on the hastily made pallets on the deck. She hadn’t been able to take them away from the fresh air and the gentle winds of the night once they had been brought onto the Hond Ebrath. While there were more clouds in the sky than there had been during the day, there was still enough open sky for many brilliant sparkling points of light to brighten the night sky. The moon danced in and out of the clouds, its light intermittently brightening the deck of the ship. Earlier in the evening Inman, noticing the unease in the countenances of several of the people they had rescued had used his power to create several light stones that he placed around the area of the deck that was now being used to house them. The soft steady light had been just what was needed to provide them with a feeling of safety that allowed them to slumber in peace.
Earlier, Atalaya had given them each another Goodberry to aid in their recovery before she had left them to spend some time below decks with Vasilya and to take time for her nightly trance. Having returned to care for the survivors, she glanced around the forecastle deck and her gaze landed on the water barrel that had been brought near the resting survivors. The closeness of the barrel and dipper made giving water to all of them much easier. Thinking back, Atalaya thought it was Kyle who had watched Atalaya send Cirilli after yet another pitcher of water and had wrestled the water barrel into place nearby. She had sensed his abhorrence of the condition of the released captives as Sorrow and Vasilya had carried them across the plank that had been set up between the two ships. And it had been Kyle that had insisted that the refugees would be far more comfortable on the deck in the open air than if they had been brought down into the cabin area of the ship. He assured them that they would be terrified all over again if they were carried into the darkness inside the ship, even though the Hond Ebrath actually had a lot of light in the cabin areas for a ship.
Atalaya and Nevil had listened to Kyle and the pallets had been placed on the forecastle deck. That afternoon she had spent hours on the deck with her charges, wishing frequently that her mother and sister could be there to guide her as she cared for these very fragile beings. Cirilli had been by her side the whole time she had been up here. Cirilli had also returned to the survivors to assist Nevil after she had eaten a quick dinner. As she provided comfort Cirilli’s compassion for the former captives was evident in her gentle words and hands while she tended them. This warred with the flashes of anger that shone in her eyes as she moved between survivors as she thought about those who had held them caged in the hold of the ship. Watching her, Atalaya worried that she was reliving her own horror at being confined in the cage of the mad priest under the temple of Merrika in Parabor. After all, it was not really that many months ago that she had rescued Cirilli from the cultists. She decided that she would make the time to talk with Cirilli about it later that evening. Lifting her pan flute to her lips she played a soft melody as she watched over her charges and prayed for the words she would need when she talked to Cirilli.
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As she finished her playing she looked up to see Cirilli finish repositioning a blanket over a restless sleeper and head towards her. Atalaya called softly, “Let’s move away from them so that we don’t disturb their sleep.” Cirilli looked questioningly at Atalaya. Atalaya stood, grabbing the cushion she had been sitting on as she had played and held out her hand to Cirilli. Cirilli, watching Atalaya, also reached for the pillow she had been using as a seat and looking at Atalaya’s hand, slowly reached out and grasped it. Atalaya led them forward towards the bow sprit.
Seating themselves against the side of the ship, Atalaya took a deep breath. “It’s been a rough afternoon and evening. How are you doing? That was an awful lot to do and see. Especially finding those people on the slaver’s ship.”
Cirilli, her face stoic, answered, “I’m fine.”
Atalaya shook her head. “No honey. I need you to think about what I asked and what you saw and then answer me. I’m not ‘fine’ right now. I’m angry at what happened to them. I’m shocked at their condition. I want to cry tears of sadness and anger over what they had to have endured and for the families that must be missing them. I want to rail at the gods for allowing something like this to happen.” After a moment she added, “And I feel hurt and broken for having to kill the men we killed today.” Watching Cirilli closely, “The one thing that I do not feel right now is ‘fine’.”
“Sweetheart, we need to feel our emotions, not try to push them away. Not forever anyway. This afternoon, we needed to focus on the tasks at hand and push our feelings aside to do what needed to be done. But now… now it is time to feel and reflect. Now is the time to become whole again.” Seeing both fear and anger in Cirilli’s eyes, Atalaya reached out and gently but firmly pulled her into her embrace.
Cirilli tried to pull back when Atalaya brought her into her arms, but after a moment she shuddered and held tightly to her, her body racked with sobbing. Atalaya said nothing, just held her as she silently poured out her grief over what had occurred during the past day and the memories that had come to the fore of her thoughts again. Atalaya, her heart breaking for her young ward, just held her tightly in her arms and let her feel all that she needed to feel. “I should have talked to her about her feelings before this, but the opportunity had never seemed right before,” she thought. Atalaya felt a few tears of her own leaking from her eyes as she continued to hold Cirilli.
After about half a candlemark Atalaya felt Cirilli’s shudders ease and finally end. Rubbing Cirilli’s back, she waited to see what Cirilli would do, ready to release her if she started to pull away. But Cirilli stayed, cuddled in Atalaya’s arms. After a few moments she looked up at her and with her voice full of agony and anger asked, “What did you mean when you said that you felt hurt and broken for having to kill those slavers? They were bad men. They needed to die. What they were doing was wrong. It was really, really wrong. Why would you feel bad about killing them?”
Atalaya, stroking Cirilli’s hair thought for a minute, searching for the right words. “Do you remember what I told you when you first started hunting with me. How that we must always give thanks to the spirit of the animals we hunt. To thank them for coming to us and giving themselves to us to feed our family and to provide needed items for our existence.” After a moment she added, “And how we must never take the life of an animal without need.” Atalaya continued to hold her loosely in her arms, her hand stroking her back and her hair as she waited for Cirilli to think about what she had asked.
Cirilli seemed slightly uneasy under Atalaya’s hands. Atalaya shifted Cirilli slightly, so that she could look into her eyes. “Talk to me sweetheart. What is going around in that head of yours?”
“I remember you telling me to do that. I mostly do it. Elanil does the same, and Willow. It seems a little strange to me. I don’t think anybody in Parabor ever did that.” After a moment she added, “I thought it was just some type of elvish religious ritual that you all did. I don’t really get why it is so important to you. You wouldn’t do something like that when you kill a chicken or a cow or a pig on a farm. The animals are there to be food.”
Atalaya took a moment to listen to and think about Cirilli’s words. Searching for a way to reach Cirilli she finally said, “I would. I would thank the chicken taken from the chicken coop as I would the wild turkey I shot in the forest. All life is sacred Cirilli. The thanking of the animal’s spirit is not so much a religious thing as it is an ethical and moral thing. It doesn’t matter who you worship, or even if you are more like Mac and don’t actually worship any of the gods or goddesses. But, when you kill something a bit of your own spirit is hurt at the same time. There is healing for yourself in receiving the animal’s blessing after you have killed it. It acknowledges the interconnectedness of all living creatures when we honor our kills this way.”
Cirilli nodded her head into Atalaya’s shoulder. “Okay, I’ll think about that some more. But what does it have to do with what happened today? We weren’t killing animals, we were killing evil nasty slavers who were killing those people they had stuffed into those cages in the Tamarind’s hold.”
Atalaya gently placed her hand on Cirilli’s. “Yes, it is different. Yet, we were still taking lives today. And all life is sacred, even if the being who held it was not choosing to use it in a way that brings honor to its spirit. When we kill, and there are times when there is nothing we can do but kill, our own spirit is torn a little. The more we kill, without tending to it, the more it is torn and the more of an effect it can have on us.” Atalaya took a deep calming breath, trying to center herself again and to bring her whirling thoughts into some type of order that might just make a little sense to Cirilli. “This is not the first time you have fought with me, or the first time that you have killed. And I should have talked to you about this before, and for that I apologize. But today, you killed or were a part of killing many of those we fought against. Your shots were skilled and your arm steady. I’m proud of you and the help you provided. But even more, I love and am proud of you, Cirilli, for who you are inside here.” Atalaya touched her heart and then her head. “And I want you to stay whole. When I kill a sentient being it is because they are evil, or because they are doing evil things. And generally because it is a last resort. It's not the same, but that doesn’t mean that it does not affect me, even as killing an animal for food affects me. But, the way to repair your spirit is a little different for this.”
She stopped again and held Cirilli as she thought about what to say next. Cirilli pulled away from her and seated herself on her cushion in front of Atalaya. “So what is it you do to repair your spirit, Atalaya,” she asked.
“I go to Mielikki and ask for her healing. I offer her my grief and sadness and the anguish I have, or in some cases the hatred and anger that I have that the killing aroused in me and ask her to heal and strengthen my spirit.” Seeing Cirilli’s closed expression she was quick to add, “I know that you are not worshiping anyone since what happened to you in Parabor. So for you, this is would not work for you. But you do need to find a way to acknowledge your feelings about what you had to do and pull the negative ones away. Tonight you released them here with me through your tears. And I am strong enough to be that for you right now and to release your hurts as I release mine. But you will need to learn to do this for yourself. And I think that it would be good for you to learn some meditation techniques to provide you with that relief. Will you let me teach you? We have a long voyage in front of us and will have time to work on this.”
At Cirilli’s look of concern and rebellion, Atalaya added, “This is not religion. This is not something that is tied to my worship of Mielikki or of any other god or goddess. It is simply a method of caring for yourself. It is a type of healing, of self healing. And I think that if you are sure of your goal to become a ranger, that it is time to learn the practice of meditation. My father had me working on it, long before I ever had to kill my first humanoid creature. I wish that could have been true for you also. But it is never too late to learn this skill. Please, let me teach you.”
Cirilli looked up at Atalaya. “Ailwin taught you to do this, not a priestess?”
“That’s right,” Atalaya replied. “It was another part of my training as a ranger that I had with him.”
Thinking about what Atalaya had said for a long time, she finally looked up at Atalaya. “Okay, I’ll try. I want to learn everything about being a ranger, you know.”
Atalaya leaned over and gave her another hug and kissed her gently on her forehead. Wanting to lighten the mood she allowed her smile to reach her eyes and brightened her tone as she stated, “We will start once we leave Riverport. While we are there, I want you to find something small that you can hold in your hand and that feels good to you. It can be anything really. A stone that is pleasing to you, a small figurine or other item. I’ll be shopping while we stop there. You can come with me and look for something for yourself.
Cirilli nodded. “Alright. I can do that.”
“Good. Now it is time for you to head to bed. We have had a long day. And the morning will be the start of another long day, if I have to make a guess. Sleep well. I’ll be down later.”
Atalaya watched Cirilli as she made her way across the forecastle and down the steps leading towards the cabin deck. Then she got up and returned to watch over the sleeping patients. She got herself a drink of water and sat down next to Nevil. “How has the watch gone?”
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